When your teen was just a toddler, story telling was cute, and taken as a sign of creativity. The toddler could say, “I am Spiderman” and everyone knew it was just make-believe.
But as they grew older, you told your small children that they should “always tell mommy the truth.” And so long as lying id not happen very often, you were satisfied. But teen lying takes on much greater significance.
That’s because at that age, the consequences of lying are greater – especially when it involves such things as drugs, liquor, sex, homework, etc. That is when the teen and his parents engage in a new battle – a battle for control. You tend to forget that lies may be a natural part of your teen’s growing up. You may overlook the fact that you have to differentiate “growing pains” lies, from dangerous lies.
Teens lie for many reasons. One reason is to delay an unpleasant scene. For example, a teen will delay telling Dad that he dented the car’s fender when he borrowed it the night before. He is postponing the calamity that he knows will ensue once Dad finds out.
Teens may also lie to exercise their independence. Usually, such lies take the form of evasiveness. For example, a parent will ask, “Where are you going tonight?” and the teen say, “To the pizza parlor.” Actually, he may mean, “I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll see if anything is happening in the pizza, and play it by ear from there.”
The fact is, the teen wants to keep his options open, and he does not want to spell them all out to his parents, so he is evasive. This evasiveness is often resorted to by teens who feel their parents are too rigid and out-of-date.
Teens also lie to save face. For example, he may forge his parents’ signatures on his report card to perpetuate a cherished myth held by the parents that their son or daughter is an “achiever.”
Teens may also lie to live up to a reputation that he thinks his peers expect of him. For example, a boy may lie to friends about “scoring” with girls, because the gang expects that of him.
Some types of lying are more dangerous than others. For example, a 15-year-old girl whose lying had become part of an elaborate performance. The girl would “faint” periodically, following episodes of hyperventilation. She would say that her fainting spells were symptoms of a terminal disease which gave her less than a year o live. As a result, she became a “celebrity” at school.
This kind of lying can indicate a deep underlying disturbance that would require counseling. Using lies as a routine way of relating to one’s peers poses the danger that such habitual social liars tend to believe their own lies about themselves. Lying to oneself is a serious matter that should be attended to.
But most lies are usually misguided attempts by teens to deal with a problem. Unfortunately, lying tends to build an ever-expanding cycle of problems. For example, a child lies to his parents. When the parents find out the child lied, they confront him with it, so the child lies to cover up the first lie. The parents then punish him, so the child associates punishment with being caught in a lie. Such a child is always under suspicion. He becomes an outcast because he is not trusted. He has, in short, worked himself into a serious bind.
As a parent, you cannot deal with the problem of lying, without first dealing with the circumstances in the life of the teen that makes him feel the need to lie. The key is to help your child solve the problems that make him feel he has to lie, thereby creating an environment for him that will make lying unnecessary.
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